I don't like anonymous "you" letters. They're vague and it leaves people geussing. I don't like bothering to hide my diary or posting private livejournal entries, and things like that, because in my experience secrets cause as many problems as frankness.

My first thought was to format this like an anonymous "you" letter; I was going to vent and feel better, I guess so I could go watch Ghostbusters with my friends in a few minutes....fuck, I just broke one of my thimbles.

I found Steve's livejournal a few days ago by clicking the link on his AIM profile that I had theretofore assumed was a link to his comic. I was pleasantly surprised, so I went to his user info page to add his name to my friends list. While I'm there I notice colesama on his friends list, which was great, because I haven't had the best email exchanges in the world with her, but I was still curious about her, if she's happy, how she's doing, what she's up to. So I read back from the beginning to catch up, and I read something that hurt my feelings a little, which led to me thinking about all the dumb things that she and I did to each other after I found her "other" online diary (the contents of which is a whole other, and very very long, story).

So I spent that night being upset and thinking. I posted here, but I later made it private, because it wasn't well worded, and if I thought I was going to eventually resolve anything, I didn't want to start it with some livejournal post that barely reflects how I feel.

So this is the long one (assuming my feinds let me stay here in my angst. They've threatened to drag me out to the livingroom and force me to have a good time. )

okay, so this will be the long one...later

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So it's later. I'm not sure what I really planned to write, other than reiterating over and over how hurt I feel, and how wrong everything seems to have ended up.

This is what I know: I did a lot of things in my first two years of college (and probably before that) that hurt nicole. I did not do them to hurt nicole, but they had to happen for my own growth. Was that okay? I don't know. Out of it I personally gained Carl as a very close friend, and Gil as the love of my life, a new school where I could spend time doing work instead of trying to get classes, and essentially everything that makes me who I am now. I'm kind of getting ahead of myself, and making this into another "coalescence" tirade, which I've done a couple of times, and don't really need to do again.

I had a space on diaryland when I did most of the things that hurt her. I went back and read those, and an AIM conversation she and I had sometime in the first quarter of sopomore year. I literally hated myself for hurting her, and I exhausted myself being torn about the whole thing. I said "...everything that I feel has made me free and ultimately happier with my cowardly self, is causing pain to someone I never ever want harm to come to." So much later, those of us that felt that way have gotten a very large "fuck you, let me have my bad moods," and I get it now. She would've gotten along great with Gil if she hadn't hated him so much. Anyway, i think it's a minor point that I didn't understand that she felt like feelings like mine were doing nothing other than trying to squelch her.

I didn't know her at all, ever. It was all, and always, guesses with her as to what was wrong, or what she was feeling, or whatever. Even now, with this group of people she's writing for, she's really vague. I never felt like an insider with her, which led to this wierd feeling of being challenged to be let in. It worked itself out literally later, when I hacked into her journal thing. That was probably the closest I ever got to a straight answer from her, and in a way I wish I'd never told her I'd read those things. Then I'd always, at least sort of, know what was going on. But that would've been diabolical- I already felt terrible for doing it in the first place.

So basically I feel like my relationship with her had been this enormous impasse for a year or more. For all I knew until February of sopomore year she was in terrible pain, or resented me or him greatly, whenever anything even remotely had to do with Gil or my relationship to him. And that whole time I felt like I owed it to her to be as inobtrusive as possible about it. I did everything I could not to talk about him around her (which was fucking impossible because we lived in the same suite. So especially every time he had a radio show, or we had a fight, or I went to visit, she knew about it.) And then, out of nowhere, (at least to me) she and Lori are in love, and...what? (see, this is the part of the story where I get really insensitive) What, she just let me tiptoe around her this whole time feeling like a terrible human being, aside from being miserable having to deal with being almost 1000 miles away from the person I love? She never even felt like sharing with me that she was falling for one of our friends? (Shortly after I got together with Gil I had a conversation with Marc where he was tiptoeing around telling me he had met a girlfriend until I told him I had met someone, too. Then we started talking at each other really fast and excitedly for each other, and it felt so good to have all that baggage lifted. So I had that in my mind while we're trying to keep Jesse from jumping off the building, with Cole curled up in a corner of her room, being disgusted with herself for being like me in all this.)

So here's me, really angry and really tired of having to "deal" with stuff- I'm "dealing" with being in a long distance relationnship; I'm "dealing" with trying to be a friend to Jesse, who was really depressed; I'm "dealing" with school; I'm "dealing" with the transfer process....I no longer want to "deal" with Cole's moods, which didn't change. Whether it was my place to do that is another matter- I did insofar as I lived with her and I had to deal with it on an interpersonal level, but I was feeling really disillusioned with our friendship. Maybe I was a little slow on the uptake. I have no idea; obviously we never talked about it to clear that up. Anyway, I said lots of things that add to the proof of my evil, nihilistic sense of humor (the sense of humor that encourages Tinna to buy a snake). I kept thinking up things to say or do that were very deliberate and not-nice to really get her to hate me, just so that I kenw one way or the other. At a certain point it came to a wierd head where I acually did do something (I put up this IM profile that was full of implications about all my friends...It was the middle of finals and I couldn't find a quiet space and I was just basically going nuts. It ended up making Danielle cry, when the only thing I really meant in it about her was about getting waked from naps by her entering the room. Nasty by-product. But that did manage to start a very small IM profile flame-war thing between me and Cole because of what happened with danielle [I think that was why..part of that Cole over-protective vibe], so maybe I got what I asked for in my evil humor)

That was the last thing that had any real effect on anyone as far as I know or can remember. I went away at the end of the year, missed AX because of work, went to humboldt had a year. Cole emailed me about AX '02, but I was pretty sure by then that I'd be up here for the summer. Maybe those were very insulting to her? I don't know. I was not missed this last year, I know that.

Anyway, I'm getting a little tired of picking apart the past. It is not easy work. Present day, I found her LJ and it said something that hurt my feelings because does no justice to the way I cared about her. I wrote something about it, and later took it down because it wasn't as long as this rediculous thing, and I didn't want this to start it. So a couple of people read it, and Danielle and I talked about what was bugging me (and lots of other things that were more pleasant. It's good to catch up.), and danielle being way more proacive than I am when things bug her (because she was implicated also in this thing that hurt my feelings) left a reply post. And Cole wrote something else that makes me feel unwelcome even reading passively about her life. That stings.

So, in all this I kind of had this fantasy about re-establishing a connection that meanst so much to me. I was gonna start small "Hi cole, I'm on LJ too" and just essentially be in touch through this. It's not as personal as email (which always failed to keep us "in touch") because it's to an audience of X, not an audience of me, or her. And it just would've been nice to somehow be involved in her life again. But no, I don't think that's going to work. I'm not welcome posting comments to her posts; they're for Moose. So I guess I'll just read until this curiosity fades, or something, or she figures out how to make her journal "friends only," and thus locking me out totally. I actually thought about leaving a comment showing her how, but I just don't feel comfortable trying to talk to her at all now.

So that's that. Sorry, Cole.